New Perspective

Recently I've looked at a couple websites where people talk about adoption and get support and stuff. I'm not really into that type of thing, but I decided to check it out anyway. Can I just say that there are quite a few bitter women out there concerning adoption? Yikes. I had no idea.

These women that are bitter toward adoption are usually women who gave a child up. I noticed that most of them had closed adoptions, which is rarely a good idea. In a closed adoption, the birth mother does not know how her child is and thus may never fully heal from the process. These women also felt that there are too many girls out there who are being forced by their family, by society or other forces, to give up their babies. And some women go so far as saying that adoption is against the law of this country. (And, yes, there's probably a way to twist things to mean that.)

The best word for these women is bitter, bitter, bitter. And I feel so sorry for them--it's like every single blog post is a torrid rant. Their hearts are still bleeding and I don't know when they'll find peace.

For just about everything out there, you will have two opposing viewpoints. But I don't think bitterness is ever the answer. Bitterness is incapable of solving issues--it keeps wounds open and doesn't allow them to heal.

However, these women definitely have some things to teach me. I agreed with them that there are many girls and young women out there who are not given the choice to keep their babies. However, there's also the issue of many girls and young women who are practically forced by their parents or grandparents or other people to keep their babies when they'd rather give them up for adoption. You cannot ignore both issues. The answer is that we need to let the mothers decide. And by "mothers", I mean the mothers of those babies.

Another thing that some of these women discussed was the fact that we use the word "birth mother" so often, even before the choice of adoption has been made. "Please pick me" adoption letters are often addressed to the "birth parents," and who's to say that those "birth parents" won't change their mind at the last minute (which they have every right to do), and be the "parents"? I agree with this and I'm going to try to be better about the word and only use "birth parent" if they've already given up a child. Until that point, they are the parents.

Another interesting issue some women brought up were adoption profiles. (John and I have two, so I was interested in this.) They said that there's no information on most profiles about the kind of parents the couple will be. I totally agree with this--I believe that 99% of the profiles out there are fluffy, "we're so happy", "this is how we met", "we're so in love", and "please pick us" essays with a picture of a big house and the couple doing something fun and outdoorsy. And, um, yes, this 99% includes our two profiles.

I totally agree that profiles should be more like resumes that discuss how or why the couple will be a good parent. They should discuss their strengths and weaknesses and be open and honest with those seriously looking for parents for their child.

So, with this new perspective in mind, John and I are totally re-doing our profiles. Away with all the fluffiness and cuteness and down to plain information about how we hope to raise our children. Our greatest weakness, and which I will mention in the profiles straight off, is that we aren't parents yet and don't really know what we're going to be like as parents. But we do think about it often, so I think we'll still have plenty to say.

I hope that we can start a new trend in the adoption arena. I hope that more people take the parents seriously who are looking into adoption as an option for their child--and not think of the parents as flighty teenagers who only care whether or not you have a Hummer.

So, check out our profiles this week and see if they've improved a little. ;)