Patience

John and I are doing great! And Addie Lou is perfect. I still get paranoid often and the months between doctor visits feel SO long, but I've decided that choosing faith is better than choosing paranoia. :) (And some days that's easier than others.)

I feel like sharing an experience that started a while ago--about patience.

This is something I wrote early this year (before I got pregnant):

"Shortly after my second miscarriage, John gave me a priesthood blessing. [If you don't know what that is, see my second paragraph in this post.] In the blessing, he conferred upon me a gift that I did not want. It was the last thing that I desired. It was a gift that many people work a lifetime to acquire, and here Heavenly Father was giving it to me without much effort; I even despised it. It was the gift of patience.

After both of my miscarriages, there was nothing I wanted more than to be pregnant again. Having a child growing within me, then being empty inside without anything to show for it, left me with an incredible yearning to have another chance. I desired nothing else than to again have those feelings of joy and anticipation that come with welcoming one of God’s choice children to the earth. Just thinking of waiting a year or so before becoming pregnant again made my sorrow overwhelming. And I felt that if I had to wait five years or more, I would die. Not that I would physically harm myself, but that somehow I would cease to exist; I felt that physically, spiritually and emotionally, I could not handle that trial.

About a year after my first miscarriage, I was finally pregnant again. But during the first doctor’s appointment, we knew something was wrong. And now, after a second miscarriage, with all those emotions and feelings of yearning and sorrow, Heavenly Father wanted to bless me with patience. I felt that being patient meant that I would not be pregnant right away. I was angry. I was angry that of all the blessings Heavenly Father could bestow, that was the one He chose.

Having children is a righteous desire, and married couples are encouraged to “multiply and replenish the earth” and to find joy in having children (Gen. 1:28; Psalms 127:3; see the Proclamation to the World on the Family). My husband and I were trying our best to follow the commandments, to fulfill our callings, and to attend the temple. Why didn’t Heavenly Father bless us in our righteous desire of having children?

A miserable week followed the priesthood blessing while I refused to be patient. I was bitter, angry, and distraught. Finally, I decided that I needed God’s help to endure. I humbled myself and with a broken heart, I knelt down and prayed to God. I told Him that I was ready to accept His gift.

That was five years ago. [July 2005 to be exact.] Since then I've lived in a city full to the brim of young families. [Full. to. the. brim of people who have no problem getting pregnant. "Oops", "we weren't planning on this", "yes, it was a honeymoon baby", "yes, I'm only 18", "I cried when I saw the two lines because my kids will be so close together", blah blah blah. I added that so you get the point. ;)] I've watched cousins, siblings and friends experience the joys I continue to hope for. [We waited for a year for an adoption to come through--for someone to pick us to be parents.]

[From that paragraph, it may not sound like I had much patience! But I really did. It was an incredible gift that Heavenly Father bestowed upon me. I felt that I could survive, that I could continue to endure, that I could continue to grow and learn, and that my worth was not dependent upon being able to have children. I discovered that John and I could continue to strengthen our friendship and love in a way that few couples are able to. I finished my master's degree; I got a great job; I had time to cook and clean and do fun things. I had time to serve others and create new friendships.]

The stories of women in the scriptures give me so much strength. I read and re-read the stories of Hannah, Sarah, Rebekah and Rachel, and realize that I have many more years to go before experiencing the level of patience they had to have (see Hebrews 6:12). Hannah might have waited about 10 years before giving birth to Samuel; Sarah could have waited as many as 50 years before she had Isaac. It is encouraging to know that the feelings I have are shared by some of the most important and great women in the history of this earth. And to know that these women remained faithful gives me courage to endure.

Many of God's servants have experienced similar times of patience. I often rely on this scripture in a revelation given to Joseph Smith amidst the persecution of the Saints in Missouri:

1 Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your heart be comforted; yea, rejoice, evermore, and in everything give thanks;

2 Waiting patiently upon the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament--the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.

3 Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord (D&C 98:1-3).

People often say that the purpose of trials is to become strong; or because in God's Plan, we must be tested in this life. But I have discovered that those things are only a part of the purpose of trials. I have learned that there is no other way--no other way--to truly know God and His Son than to experience trial, tribulation and suffering.

We come to know God through prayer, and in our trials, we pray as Christ did in Gethsemane: "And being in agony, he prayed more earnestly" (Luke 22:44). Without struggle, we would never prayer in such a way. Without trial, we would never learn what it means to rely on the Savior, nor how marvelous the Atonement is. There is no other way to know God and His Son so perfectly than to rely on them during difficult times.

I have come to know for myself that Heavenly Father will bestow us with amazing gifts, such as patience, as we live the gospel. Most of the time, we have to ask for them. Sometimes we have to work for them; and sometimes they are merely given (see Moroni 10:8).

Heavenly Father will give us gifts that we ask for if we "ask not amiss" (James 4:3; 2 Nephi 4:35), for "he that asketh in the Spirit asketh according to the will of God; wherefore it is done even as he asketh" (D&C 46:30).

I know God loves me. I know God loves all of His children. I know that it is because of this love that we experience trial. There is no other way to return to Him than to develop faith and patience as He binds our broken hearts, lifts our "hands which hang down, and [strengthens our] feeble knees" (Isaiah 61:1; Luke 4:18). Only then can we "run with patience the race that is set before us" (Hebrew 12:1) and see God's promises fulfilled to the faithful. For "they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint" (Isaiah 40:31). "Blessed are all they that wait for Him" (Isaiah 30:18).

[Back to the present:] Even though I'm incredibly blessed to be pregnant now, I haven't forgotten what it feels like to wait. I feel bad not being a part of that club anymore--almost like I have nothing to offer those who now struggle with infertility. But I know that my lessons in waiting and patience are not over; I will learn them in other ways in my life!

And for endurance, I can continue look to great women for examples, such as my friend Jill whose 2-year-old daughter, Erin, just finished her last round of chemotherapy (if you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, read her blog).

Or my friend Emily who has a two year-old and newborn triplets, while living in Brooklyn on the second floor of an apartment (yes, second floor = stairs).

Or John's cousin whose husband is in Iraq for a year and her immediate family lives far away.

We are truly not alone here! This earth is full of men and women past, present and future, who have experienced, now experience, and will experience trial and deep emotion. And in our individual suffering, we can turn to the Savior who is the only one who knows exactly how we feel. I am so grateful for a Savior who had trial and suffering and who triumphed. He was perfectly obedient and He has perfect love.

Here are other scriptures that might help you along your journey of patience and faith:

Deut. 31:6

Isaiah 40:28-29

Isaiah 41:10

Isaiah 43:2-5

Isaiah 49:10

Isaiah 54:1; 7-8; 10-13

John 16:13

2 Nephi 31:20

Alma 26:12

D&C 84:88

How Firm a Foundation (LDS Hymn No. 85)

It's A...

GIRL!!! It is a perfect and perfectly beautiful little girl! I feel so blessed and grateful.

I never cared much for profile pics on facebook, etc. that are pictures of babies in the womb. Except for Liz Wilcken's because her picture is of twins, and that's cool. But for everybody else, I usually think, "Thanks for showing me your insides." I mean--of course, they're showing the baby and that's really exciting, but it's just not that exciting unless it's your baby or a sibling's baby. Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, that idea has changed now that I have pictures of my own "insides" and there is the cutest little girl--a baby that I feel like I already know--pictured there. SHE IS SO ADORABLE!

I have included two pictures of her. First, her profile. Second, her legs crossed--so funny!

Look at that little nose and those big lips! Both Erickson features, I believe.

The bottom blob is the placenta. The bulge to the right is her belly (nice belly, huh?) and hopefully you can see her little legs crossed in the middle. She was seriously laying straight out the whole time--I'm a little afraid of what will happen when she gets bigger... Here, look at a pic of her leg--totally straight out! I thought babies were supposed to curl up in a little ball...

Ow, I can feel my ribs hurting just thinking about the future... But WHO CARES! I'm having a baby!!

Our News

So, it's the end of September and our two adoption profiles are officially closed. I should probably tell you why.

We started our adoption paperwork in Feb. of 2009 and finished it six months later in July of 2009. And then we waited. I had such high hopes of getting picked right away, but after another six months, I was so discouraged.

(Here's a side note: In the LDS Church, all the men in the church 12 years old and older who keep their lives honest and worthy have the Priesthood bestowed upon them (by someone who can trace it all the way back to Joseph Smith who received the Priesthood from John the Baptist and Peter, James and John). In the New Testament, you might remember the apostles "laying their hands" on people and this means that they placed their hands on someone's head to bless them. In the LDS church, we call this simply a "blessing".)

So, in December, John gave me a blessing because I was so discouraged. In the blessing, he told me that God would give me whatever I asked for. Wow. Then I realized that God has promised this to all of His children--but I never really believed it before. Just read Matt. 7:7, John 15:7, James 1:5-6. In the Book of Mormon and other scriptures, you can read 3 Ne. 18:20, 3 Ne. 27:28, D&C 88:63-64.

God has given this promise to all of us, but do we truly believe it? I think it's not that we doubt God, but we doubt ourselves. We doubt that we are worthy enough to ask and/or that the thing we ask for is His will.

Concerning the first thing, we are never unworthy to pray. See 2 Ne. 26: 33. You are God's child and it doesn't matter what you do or what you've done, you can always pray to Him and He will listen. From lds.org's topics and under Prayer, it says, "We should never give in to the idea that we are not worthy to pray. This idea comes from Satan, who wants to convince us that we must not pray. If we do not feel like praying, we should pray until we do feel like praying."

The second thing is actually quite simple. I studied this for a while and this is what I've found. First, in James it says that we should not "ask amiss". In other words, don't just ask for anything--you have to think about it! Then there's a revelation from Joseph Smith to Oliver Cowdery that says that you must "study it out in your mind". In 3 Ne. 18:20, it says that we must ask in the name of Christ for what is right.

Asking for things in the name of Christ--and closing our prayers in His name--is very important. It means that we have tried to submit our will to God's, just as Christ always submitted His will to His Father. (See John 5:19 and the last paragraph here.)

The last thing is to ask for what is God's will, or what is right, but how do we know what that is? The Prophet Joseph Smith answers this in a revelation: "He that asketh in the Spirit asketh according to the will of God; wherefore it is done even as he asketh". We have to have the Holy Spirit guide us and help us to know what to ask. The revelation also gives us a couple other things to do: "And again, I say unto you, all things must be done in the name of Christ, whatsoever you do in the Spirit; And ye must give thanks unto God in the Spirit for whatsoever blessing ye are blessed with. And ye must practice virtue and holiness before me continually" (D&C 46:30-33).

We must be grateful! And then we must keep the commandments. So, our worthiness doesn't matter when it comes to Heavenly Father hearing our prayers, but a lack of worthiness may make it difficult for Him to bless us with the things we ask for. The reason for this is because the Holy Spirit "dwelleth not in unholy temples" (see also here) and thus, you may not know the right thing to ask. But it's okay because "His hand is stretched out still" and you can always repent, which means to "re-turn".

Sorry about all of that, but that's the kind of research I went through after the blessing. I felt such a weight of responsibility to know how to ask God. I also felt such a responsibility to discover what is was that I truly, truly desired.

We ask for things without even realizing it when we say prayers. Like the late Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley said, "The trouble with most of our prayers is that we give them as if we were picking up the telephone and ordering groceries--we place our order and hang up. We need to meditate, contemplate, think of what we are praying about..."

For two or three weeks after the blessing, I didn't ask for anything except for Heavenly Father to bless my food! I realized that prayers that only express gratitude bring the Spirit more powerfully than most "asking" prayers. (Also read this talk for more about this!)

I pondered a lot. And read the scriptures a lot. Seriously, how often have you pondered deeply to know what it is that you truly, deep-down-inside desire? It's a very good exercise and I highly encourage it.

After weeks of this, I discovered that I already had so many things that I desired--a loving, wonderful husband; a home with low rent; a great job; food in the fridge; a knowledge of who I am, where I was before I came to earth, and where I'm going after this earth; on and on.

(To be read slowly:) I realized that what I really desired was to have a baby. And so, I did what the scriptures asked, and I tried to see if that was God's will. I felt like I could actually ask for this! I asked Heavenly Father if He would bless me with a baby.... and I didn't want to wait much longer, so I asked... if He could give it to me either through adoption or to be pregnant by June 2010.

I felt the Holy Spirit tell me that it was right to ask for this and I did not have a sliver of doubt that it wouldn't happen. I felt so happy because I knew that within 6 months (after waiting over 5 1/2 years since my last miscarriage) something was going to happen.

June 1st 2010 came.

No adoption prospects. Definitely not pregnant.

What happened? I was crushed--and I mean crushed. I knew that God would bless me with what I asked. And as I tearfully prayed to Heavenly Father, I felt His love so strong and that He wanted to bless me so badly with what I desired. But I was forgetting one thing.

John. I forgot about my husband; I forgot that I'm not the only one involved in this! And that Heavenly Father honors John's desires as much as He honors mine. Discovering this was not fun. It felt like thinking you're whole life that you're the "favorite child", and then you find out that you're not. I couldn't believe that John's desires were equal to mine in God's eyes--I mean, I didn't want to believe that because I wanted a baby so badly! What if that wasn't what John wanted? That's what I was afraid of. But I knew that if God honored John's desire (and if that was it), I should honor it too.

Anyway, John and I talked. He knew about my prayer, but I don't think he had really personalized it. We decided together that this is what we both wanted.

And I got pregnant in June.

I kind-of joke with Heavenly Father now, saying that he misunderstood my request the first time, and thought that I said "in June" instead of "by June"--haha. But He actually postponed it so that I would learn a very important lesson and I am very grateful.

God answers prayers.

Sometimes our prayers involve other people and this means it involves their agency, and Heavenly Father respects that. Prayers and asking for things in our prayers takes steps, takes faith, and sometimes some soul-searching.

Everyday now if I ask for something, I do it carefully, and I feel like my prayers are always answered! And if they are not, I know that God has a reason. I know that I've prayed to be pregnant before, but I don't believe it was the right time to ask until now. Heavenly Father wanted me to learn and do other things first.

In 1 Cor. 2:9 it says, "As it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." If you look at the version in Isaiah, however, it's a little different: "For since the beginning of the world men have not heard, nor perceived by the ear, neither hath the eye seen, O God, beside thee, what he hath prepared for him that waiteth for him."

"Waiting upon the Lord" isn't always easy, but we all do it, don't we? ;) And sometimes it's the waiting that makes us love life more and appreciate it more fully. And the comforting thing is that if it's really important, we won't have to wait forever.

Yellowstone pics!

I'm sorry I haven't posted these yet! You can read about our trip here :) It was lots of fun!

And THANK YOU to Lizzy, John's sister, for taking pictures with her camera. (BTW we finally bought a new one--hooray)

Ha, I love this pic. I thought it was cute so I put it first. This is right near Fairy Falls, a nice hike that we did. It was my first time and I loved it.

Okay, this is one of my favorite Yellowstone features: Dragon's Mouth! There's a dragon inside of the cave that makes lots of noise and smokes at all the visitors. (Okay, actually, there's some sort of hot air vent under the mud and water that makes the cool effects.) I always have to make a visit when we're in Yellowstone--just in case the dragon ever decides to make an appearance, you know?

This is another favorite--perhaps my new number one favorite--feature at Yellowstone: the Grand Prismatic. When you actually visit it, you can hardly seen anything but steam. On the trail to Fairy Falls, we saw an amazing view in all its glory. And, yeah, you just don't understand the amazingness nor the hugeness of the real thing through a photo--you just gotta be there.

This was John's 16th or 17th or 18th trip to Yellowstone! (Ha, he doesn't remember which one it is.) It never gets old!

New Perspective

Recently I've looked at a couple websites where people talk about adoption and get support and stuff. I'm not really into that type of thing, but I decided to check it out anyway. Can I just say that there are quite a few bitter women out there concerning adoption? Yikes. I had no idea.

These women that are bitter toward adoption are usually women who gave a child up. I noticed that most of them had closed adoptions, which is rarely a good idea. In a closed adoption, the birth mother does not know how her child is and thus may never fully heal from the process. These women also felt that there are too many girls out there who are being forced by their family, by society or other forces, to give up their babies. And some women go so far as saying that adoption is against the law of this country. (And, yes, there's probably a way to twist things to mean that.)

The best word for these women is bitter, bitter, bitter. And I feel so sorry for them--it's like every single blog post is a torrid rant. Their hearts are still bleeding and I don't know when they'll find peace.

For just about everything out there, you will have two opposing viewpoints. But I don't think bitterness is ever the answer. Bitterness is incapable of solving issues--it keeps wounds open and doesn't allow them to heal.

However, these women definitely have some things to teach me. I agreed with them that there are many girls and young women out there who are not given the choice to keep their babies. However, there's also the issue of many girls and young women who are practically forced by their parents or grandparents or other people to keep their babies when they'd rather give them up for adoption. You cannot ignore both issues. The answer is that we need to let the mothers decide. And by "mothers", I mean the mothers of those babies.

Another thing that some of these women discussed was the fact that we use the word "birth mother" so often, even before the choice of adoption has been made. "Please pick me" adoption letters are often addressed to the "birth parents," and who's to say that those "birth parents" won't change their mind at the last minute (which they have every right to do), and be the "parents"? I agree with this and I'm going to try to be better about the word and only use "birth parent" if they've already given up a child. Until that point, they are the parents.

Another interesting issue some women brought up were adoption profiles. (John and I have two, so I was interested in this.) They said that there's no information on most profiles about the kind of parents the couple will be. I totally agree with this--I believe that 99% of the profiles out there are fluffy, "we're so happy", "this is how we met", "we're so in love", and "please pick us" essays with a picture of a big house and the couple doing something fun and outdoorsy. And, um, yes, this 99% includes our two profiles.

I totally agree that profiles should be more like resumes that discuss how or why the couple will be a good parent. They should discuss their strengths and weaknesses and be open and honest with those seriously looking for parents for their child.

So, with this new perspective in mind, John and I are totally re-doing our profiles. Away with all the fluffiness and cuteness and down to plain information about how we hope to raise our children. Our greatest weakness, and which I will mention in the profiles straight off, is that we aren't parents yet and don't really know what we're going to be like as parents. But we do think about it often, so I think we'll still have plenty to say.

I hope that we can start a new trend in the adoption arena. I hope that more people take the parents seriously who are looking into adoption as an option for their child--and not think of the parents as flighty teenagers who only care whether or not you have a Hummer.

So, check out our profiles this week and see if they've improved a little. ;)

Yellowstone 2010

I love Yellowstone! John's family has so many fun traditions. We always get ice cream at the Inn At Old Faithful and sit on the balcony while waiting for and watching the next rocket launch of Old Faithful. It is such a cool building! Everything is somewhat "giant-sized" and made of wood, except for the gigantic fireplace, made out of huge rocks.

We usually don't go on hikes, but this year we hiked to Fairy Falls. It was perfect the way there, but hot the way back. Probably the best part of the hike, other than the falls, was the view of Grand Prismatic. We saw the best view I've ever seen!! When you actually visit the Prismatic, the steam is so dense that you hardly see anything. From a certain viewpoint on the hike, you could see all of it in its blue and green beauty. The steam coming off was in rainbows.

Part of the Yellowstone experience is to drive around and look at wildlife--and avoid running into it--haha. We waited for about 30 minutes for a buffalo herd to pass--lots of baby buffalo too. Sometimes you'll have a buffalo leisurely walking down the road and you just have to follow him as cars pile up behind you. This year we saw a coyote, so that's cool. And I don't think I usually see so many swans. We always stop at a certain spot where a bald eagle likes to hang out (there are a ton of "pull-outs" along the road), and he was there when we stopped by. It was very nice of him. ;) We didn't see any bears this year, but I'm okay with that.

Another family tradition is to play on the beach at Fishing Bridge. We always have a picnic at Fishing Bridge on Friday, mosey around the bird museum there, then go behind the building and play in the sand and cold water. This year was the best ever because John's dad brought his new canoe! We spent all 3 hours taking turns paddling the lake. I love canoeing. (And don't you love words that you can spell "eing"? Like snowshoeing...)

After we play in the beach, we go take showers, then drive to Bridge Bay and have dinner at Lake Lodge. After dinner we sit on the porch and watch the wildlife across the street and end with a tour of the gift shop. John and I always buy a new Yellowstone Christmas ornament.

We learned a few things this year to remember for years to come:

1. Generic sunscreen does not work at high altitude.

2. Lake Lodge still has the best pot roast in this world.

3. Canoe + Yellowstone = A new family tradition.

4. It's okay to have your feet touching the bottom of the tent if you are laying at a 20-degree angle.

5. Jackson Hole is a silly town.

6. Provo, UT is just as good as Yellowstone when playing the license plate game.

Pictures coming! Check back later!

Stayin' Busy

Right now I'm sitting at the computer eating a bowl of steamed broccoli with cheddar cheese--mmmm! Sometimes I hate food and sometimes I really love it. Broccoli and cheese makes me love food again. Anyway, that was a random comment. ;) John and I have had two trips since I last typed a post! We went to Kansas for almost a whole week and we camped out at Yellowstone.

Alas, we still need to buy a new camera, so I will have to depend on the talents of my family if I am to post any pictures. And in Kansas, we didn't take any pictures at all! I know, I can't believe it either. We hung out with my grandparents, aunts and a cousin and her two cute girls. We also hung out with my immediate family. It was the best trip!

One of the best parts about the Kansas trip was being with my grandma and going through a table-full of photo albums and pictures and talking about relatives and ancestors. My grandma is amazing! She just memorizes all this information--I was scrambling to scribble it all down--dates, places, events, you name it! I've decided to do family history every Saturday and I'm really excited to get into it again. Being with grandma has renewed my excitement and love of family history.

I can't even remember everything we did with my family--a lot of sitting around and chatting, playing the Wii, and eating food. :) It was awesome. Oh, and I fell in love with humidity again! The weather wasn't too hot, and I basked in having skin that I didn't have to put lotion on every morning and evening. I don't want this post to be too long, so I'm going to put Yellowstone in the next post. (See above.)

Dust

This is a poem I wrote in September of 2008. I've heard that if you have a poem online, technically it counts as being published (and that can be a bad thing for writers/poets). I don't care--if you want to use it, just be sure to put my name with it. Oh, and also let me know so that I can tell you how it's supposed to be formatted. It doesn't do a very good job on blogspot because the margins are narrow. Thanks!

Dust

Seeds planted

tie the earth to the Heavens—

to the bestower of life—

and soon new blossoms fall gently—

floating on slow waves—

trailing clouds—

as if newly washed—

freshly fallen—

and at dawn are found with dew,

stems and roots grown downward,

helping the earth and helping themselves.

But those seeds I planted—

the ones I hoped for—

the string still tied and taut to Heaven—

whispers empty of rain;

tell me,

where is this magic powder

that made Adam breathe,

that called to babes

and made them cry?

I borrowed some elements from Wordsworth's Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood. Sorry I keep bringing up infertility--I'll try to not do it too much in the future. ;)

7th ANNIVERSARY!

John and I have been married for 7 years. Crazy.

Hahaha, I love this pic because John looks like he's 17! This was one of our engaggment pics. (That's how John likes to spell the word.) (And John was 26 in this pic, btw.)

So, we already have a blast together everyday. We go out to dinner at least once a week--sometimes romantic, sometimes just fun. We take a trip with the car or with our legs up mountains just to look at the view. We go to movies every once-in-a-while. We hang out with friends. We cuddle. A lot. We stay up late together more than we should. We walk around IKEA or the mall for fun. Without kids, we're always together when we're not at work! And we're often doing something fun!

So, what are we going to do for our 7th anniversary? I wanted to do something crazy like bungee jumping, but it so happens that I wasn't feeling very well that day. Sad face.

I'm sorry to say that we didn't do anything extremely adventurous. The most adventurous thing we did, probably, was to take half-days from work. (Yes, we are very blessed to be able to do that on short notice!)

The next adventurous thing we did was.... lay on 20 different beds! We decided it might be nice to buy a new bed, so we hung out with one salesman for like two hours and tried out the really cool Select Comfort (the ones where you find your "sleep number"). I must say, those really are the best beds out there. I've never laid in something so amazing. (And notice that I use the word "in" instead of "on". That's totally how it is.)

It's fun doing the whole sleep number thing because you realize things about yourself and your spouse. John's number is 35 (15 is the softest and 100 is the firmest). He totally loved this pillow-top that was memory foam and feather down. With the pillow top on, he was still a 35. I was a 50.

After Select Comfort, we went to IKEA and laid on their beds for another couple of hours. Hey, it's exhausting work! We went from the most expensive beds to the cheapest. We ended up buying a new pillow and 2 IKEA chocolate bars. :) Happy Anniversary! haha

Choklad ljus for John (milk chocolate) and choklad mörk for me (dark chocolate). Hahaha--I loves John's face!

Sorry!

Dear Friends, Family and random Strangers,

So, our camera broke. :( I'll get back to this blog as soon as we get it fixed or we buy a new one. Ugh. A blog just isn't much good without pictures, is it?

Sorry!

Annie

Infertility

Infertility is an awkward word. It's like it means that there's something embarrassingly wrong with my body. But I'm not embarrassed at all that I haven't been able to have children yet. And just because we haven't had children yet doesn't mean that we're "not ready for them" yet. Seriously, is anyone ever "ready" to have kids before they have them? The reason why we haven't have children yet is because Heavenly Father needs us to do other things right now.

An apostle of the LDS Church shared this experience in the past General Conference of the church:

"The first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, and faith means trust. I felt that trust in a talk my cousin gave at the funeral of a teenage girl who had died of a serious illness. He spoke these words, which first astonished me and then edified me: “I know it was the will of the Lord that she die. She had good medical care. She was given priesthood blessings. Her name was on the prayer roll in the temple. She was the subject of hundreds of prayers for her restoration to health. And I know that there is enough faith in this family that she would have been healed unless it was the will of the Lord to take her home at this time.” I felt that same trust in the words of the father of another choice girl whose life was taken by cancer in her teen years. He declared, “Our family’s faith is in Jesus Christ and is not dependent on outcomes.” Those teachings ring true to me. We do all that we can for the healing of a loved one, and then we trust in the Lord for the outcome." (Dallin H. Oaks, Healing the Sick, April 2010 Conference.)

That is in a way the point where John and I are. We've done everything we can thus far. There's always something else we can try (and you can say that about anything), but I think we've really done our best. We have been to at least three different doctors, we have two adoption profiles, a blog, a Facebook group, and pass-along cards for adoption. We try to be good citizens and we pray to God as a family and by ourselves, we study the scriptures, we serve in our church. Friends and family pray for us all the time--and yet. We still have no calls, no emails, no leads for adoption, and no positive pregnancy tests.

Scriptures give me so much peace and I love to read the stories of the women in the scriptures because some of the best-known women struggled with that awkward word--infertility. Sarah was a wife of Abraham--the prophet. She was a righteous woman. Sure, she doubted when she was told that she was to have a child after "it ceased to be with [her] after the manner of women" (meaning that she had already been through menopause).

But I bet you that even through all those years of waiting, of wanting, of yearning for a child, and even after menopause, she never lost hope. And that is what we women cling to.

Sometimes it feels like hope is a cruel invention. One of my new favorite movies (one of those 5-hour long ones) is Cranford and at one part one of the characters says something along the lines of, "Despair is easier to cope with than hope." The reason is because with despair, at least you know the outcome, and most likely despair will dissipate with time. But hope seems to spring eternal. And even when the facts are laid out in front of you, you deny them. You cling to hope.

And praise God that that hope of having children can be fulfilled through adoption. I don't have to carry the child myself to have the exact same feelings toward a child, or that fulfillment of long-waited-for desires. I hope, and I always have hoped, and I know that Heavenly Father will bless John and I when it is time for us to be parents.

Poor Sarah! Age must have been such an issue for her. But getting old is no issue to Heavenly Father. Our lives must seem so very short and so very small to His almighty mind, yet He loves us so dearly. He hears our prayers. And He does answer them in His own time and way. That is why I have faith in Him and in His Son, Jesus Christ. And after all, faith and hope are supposed to go together.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Hebrew 11:1).

"For we through the Spirit wait for the hope of righteousness by faith" (Gal. 5:5).

"And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity" (2 Cor. 13:13).

Charity is love--the pure love of Christ and adoption definitely requires faith, hope and charity!

Missing piece

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with all the things to do for adoption. We have two online profiles, a blog and a facebook group to keep updated, as well as paperwork through the state and adoption agency. It’s constantly on my mind—everyday I’m thinking of things to do and things I haven’t done yet to improve and accelerate the process. Adoption is such a personal thing for John and I. Sometimes I feel like we’re the only ones doing anything to help it happen.

Then I’m reminded.

And I’m chastised for thinking such a thing! I’m reminded of all my friends and family who think about it perhaps just as often, and who are perhaps doing just as much as John and I are to get the word out.

(This is John's family)

(This is most of my family (we need a new pic!))

And then I get overwhelmed in a different way—Overwhelmed with such gratitude and love for these wonderful people in my life who care about us. It’s amazing! Late last night John and I were chatting with some friends and one of them mentioned that she showed her mom our blog and facebook group, etc. and how excited she is for us to adopt. I have realized that this adoption process is not just about John and me. And it’s not going to happen only through our efforts. It will be a combination of dear friends and family and their dearest friends and families—all linking together to find that one very special person who is yet to be a part of our lives. That very special person is a birth mother.

So, my family is really into jigsaw puzzles. (I’ll get back to adoption in a sec. Don’t worry, it will all tie together. ;) In my parent’s family room, we always have a puzzle going on the coffee table and while watching movies, there’s always a couple people working on one. I must admit, my family is pretty good with puzzles. J John bought me a 1500-piece puzzle for Christmas and I finally started it about a couple months ago. I JUST finished it two days ago. My sister who is on a mission for the LDS church right now, and who is the Puzzle Queen of the family, would be highly ashamed that it took me so long.

But it was really hard to do! First, it was bigger than my 1000-piece puzzle board, so it took me a while to finally just tape two matte boards together (carefully to not mess anything up). Second, 88% of the puzzle is some shade of BROWN. Re-read that sentence. Yes, BROWN. Now, contemplate that for a moment. Let that sink into your soul—the arduous burden of such a task. Now you know how I felt. (Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little. ;)

Poor John was without his ottoman for over 2 months! Whenever we had company, we had to both carefully carry the puzzle into a different room. What a pain!

When I got to a certain point, I told myself that I had to do at least three pieces before I went to bed every night. This was not enough. Finally, I organized the last 50 pieces I had left into five shape categories and lined them all up. I would look at an empty area, see what shape might fit, and look through and try each shape until I found a match. This really expedited the process and I’m so proud of myself that I finished! Here it is:

However, the unthinkable happened. Look closely at this picture. If you’re a puzzle-doer, you will know that the worst thing that can happen is to be missing a piece. And it’s really embarrassing if you’re already missing one the first time you put the puzzle together. That’s me. Yes, I’m embarrassed. Look right smack in the middle of the puzzle—one very obvious piece is just nowhere to be found. It really sticks out, doesn't it?

Now, back to adoption. They say that it takes a community to raise a child. You could probably say that sometimes, it takes a community to find one. J And that’s what this puzzle is—it is hundreds of people linking together to find this missing piece in our lives—and who knows if the actual number of people it will take is 1499! This missing piece, however, is not a child. It is a birth mother. She is one of the most important pieces on the whole board. The puzzle as a whole is my family—John and I, with or without children. It is a picture of us, and each of you is a part of us. (Okay, so it's actually a picture of Merlin with King Arthur, but you know what I mean.)

Some people may think it strange to have the birth mother of your child as part of this puzzle, but to me it would be incomplete without her. I have heard many mothers describe their relationship to the birth mother of their child as an in-law, or sister. I think it will be the same for me. She will be a part of my family, and she will be someone to whom I owe nothing (just like a normal family), but to whom I will share so much love and gratitude. I know that when adoption happens for us, I will not even be able to describe that love and gratitude.

“Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for His arm to be revealed” (D&C 123:17).

“The Lord does notice us, and He watches over us. But it is usually through another person that He meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other” (Pres. Spencer W. Kimball).

So, thank you. Thank you, my wonderful family and dear friends who have already done so much for us and thank you for keeping us in your prayers and fasts. We love you!

It's a pretty cool puzzle, isn't it? And, yes, I'm very proud of it. ;)