Infertility

Infertility is an awkward word. It's like it means that there's something embarrassingly wrong with my body. But I'm not embarrassed at all that I haven't been able to have children yet. And just because we haven't had children yet doesn't mean that we're "not ready for them" yet. Seriously, is anyone ever "ready" to have kids before they have them? The reason why we haven't have children yet is because Heavenly Father needs us to do other things right now.

An apostle of the LDS Church shared this experience in the past General Conference of the church:

"The first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, and faith means trust. I felt that trust in a talk my cousin gave at the funeral of a teenage girl who had died of a serious illness. He spoke these words, which first astonished me and then edified me: “I know it was the will of the Lord that she die. She had good medical care. She was given priesthood blessings. Her name was on the prayer roll in the temple. She was the subject of hundreds of prayers for her restoration to health. And I know that there is enough faith in this family that she would have been healed unless it was the will of the Lord to take her home at this time.” I felt that same trust in the words of the father of another choice girl whose life was taken by cancer in her teen years. He declared, “Our family’s faith is in Jesus Christ and is not dependent on outcomes.” Those teachings ring true to me. We do all that we can for the healing of a loved one, and then we trust in the Lord for the outcome." (Dallin H. Oaks, Healing the Sick, April 2010 Conference.)

That is in a way the point where John and I are. We've done everything we can thus far. There's always something else we can try (and you can say that about anything), but I think we've really done our best. We have been to at least three different doctors, we have two adoption profiles, a blog, a Facebook group, and pass-along cards for adoption. We try to be good citizens and we pray to God as a family and by ourselves, we study the scriptures, we serve in our church. Friends and family pray for us all the time--and yet. We still have no calls, no emails, no leads for adoption, and no positive pregnancy tests.

Scriptures give me so much peace and I love to read the stories of the women in the scriptures because some of the best-known women struggled with that awkward word--infertility. Sarah was a wife of Abraham--the prophet. She was a righteous woman. Sure, she doubted when she was told that she was to have a child after "it ceased to be with [her] after the manner of women" (meaning that she had already been through menopause).

But I bet you that even through all those years of waiting, of wanting, of yearning for a child, and even after menopause, she never lost hope. And that is what we women cling to.

Sometimes it feels like hope is a cruel invention. One of my new favorite movies (one of those 5-hour long ones) is Cranford and at one part one of the characters says something along the lines of, "Despair is easier to cope with than hope." The reason is because with despair, at least you know the outcome, and most likely despair will dissipate with time. But hope seems to spring eternal. And even when the facts are laid out in front of you, you deny them. You cling to hope.

And praise God that that hope of having children can be fulfilled through adoption. I don't have to carry the child myself to have the exact same feelings toward a child, or that fulfillment of long-waited-for desires. I hope, and I always have hoped, and I know that Heavenly Father will bless John and I when it is time for us to be parents.

Poor Sarah! Age must have been such an issue for her. But getting old is no issue to Heavenly Father. Our lives must seem so very short and so very small to His almighty mind, yet He loves us so dearly. He hears our prayers. And He does answer them in His own time and way. That is why I have faith in Him and in His Son, Jesus Christ. And after all, faith and hope are supposed to go together.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Hebrew 11:1).

"For we through the Spirit wait for the hope of righteousness by faith" (Gal. 5:5).

"And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity" (2 Cor. 13:13).

Charity is love--the pure love of Christ and adoption definitely requires faith, hope and charity!

Missing piece

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with all the things to do for adoption. We have two online profiles, a blog and a facebook group to keep updated, as well as paperwork through the state and adoption agency. It’s constantly on my mind—everyday I’m thinking of things to do and things I haven’t done yet to improve and accelerate the process. Adoption is such a personal thing for John and I. Sometimes I feel like we’re the only ones doing anything to help it happen.

Then I’m reminded.

And I’m chastised for thinking such a thing! I’m reminded of all my friends and family who think about it perhaps just as often, and who are perhaps doing just as much as John and I are to get the word out.

(This is John's family)

(This is most of my family (we need a new pic!))

And then I get overwhelmed in a different way—Overwhelmed with such gratitude and love for these wonderful people in my life who care about us. It’s amazing! Late last night John and I were chatting with some friends and one of them mentioned that she showed her mom our blog and facebook group, etc. and how excited she is for us to adopt. I have realized that this adoption process is not just about John and me. And it’s not going to happen only through our efforts. It will be a combination of dear friends and family and their dearest friends and families—all linking together to find that one very special person who is yet to be a part of our lives. That very special person is a birth mother.

So, my family is really into jigsaw puzzles. (I’ll get back to adoption in a sec. Don’t worry, it will all tie together. ;) In my parent’s family room, we always have a puzzle going on the coffee table and while watching movies, there’s always a couple people working on one. I must admit, my family is pretty good with puzzles. J John bought me a 1500-piece puzzle for Christmas and I finally started it about a couple months ago. I JUST finished it two days ago. My sister who is on a mission for the LDS church right now, and who is the Puzzle Queen of the family, would be highly ashamed that it took me so long.

But it was really hard to do! First, it was bigger than my 1000-piece puzzle board, so it took me a while to finally just tape two matte boards together (carefully to not mess anything up). Second, 88% of the puzzle is some shade of BROWN. Re-read that sentence. Yes, BROWN. Now, contemplate that for a moment. Let that sink into your soul—the arduous burden of such a task. Now you know how I felt. (Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little. ;)

Poor John was without his ottoman for over 2 months! Whenever we had company, we had to both carefully carry the puzzle into a different room. What a pain!

When I got to a certain point, I told myself that I had to do at least three pieces before I went to bed every night. This was not enough. Finally, I organized the last 50 pieces I had left into five shape categories and lined them all up. I would look at an empty area, see what shape might fit, and look through and try each shape until I found a match. This really expedited the process and I’m so proud of myself that I finished! Here it is:

However, the unthinkable happened. Look closely at this picture. If you’re a puzzle-doer, you will know that the worst thing that can happen is to be missing a piece. And it’s really embarrassing if you’re already missing one the first time you put the puzzle together. That’s me. Yes, I’m embarrassed. Look right smack in the middle of the puzzle—one very obvious piece is just nowhere to be found. It really sticks out, doesn't it?

Now, back to adoption. They say that it takes a community to raise a child. You could probably say that sometimes, it takes a community to find one. J And that’s what this puzzle is—it is hundreds of people linking together to find this missing piece in our lives—and who knows if the actual number of people it will take is 1499! This missing piece, however, is not a child. It is a birth mother. She is one of the most important pieces on the whole board. The puzzle as a whole is my family—John and I, with or without children. It is a picture of us, and each of you is a part of us. (Okay, so it's actually a picture of Merlin with King Arthur, but you know what I mean.)

Some people may think it strange to have the birth mother of your child as part of this puzzle, but to me it would be incomplete without her. I have heard many mothers describe their relationship to the birth mother of their child as an in-law, or sister. I think it will be the same for me. She will be a part of my family, and she will be someone to whom I owe nothing (just like a normal family), but to whom I will share so much love and gratitude. I know that when adoption happens for us, I will not even be able to describe that love and gratitude.

“Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for His arm to be revealed” (D&C 123:17).

“The Lord does notice us, and He watches over us. But it is usually through another person that He meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other” (Pres. Spencer W. Kimball).

So, thank you. Thank you, my wonderful family and dear friends who have already done so much for us and thank you for keeping us in your prayers and fasts. We love you!

It's a pretty cool puzzle, isn't it? And, yes, I'm very proud of it. ;)

Renaissance Festival in AZ

Hooray!! Here are the rest of the pics from our Arizona trip! We went with our great friends, Scott and Stephanie, and their three kids. We had so much fun! Here's the entrance, where the King and Queen welcome everyone.
This is us trying to figure out where to go next. The festival was HUGE!The first show we saw were some absolutely amazing jugglers! They were so good, that no one quite matched them the rest of the day--well, maybe the whip master. These jugglers were HILARIOUS! Very good with improv and the kids loved it!
Elise and I are very intent on the juggler show
Yay for Turkey Leggs!!
This guy was amazing too--the whip master. He's probably one of the best whippers (I don't know what you call them) in the world, actually. This is him with his fire whip. At the Renaissance festival, everything ends in fire. ;)
This is another juggler show, mostly with fire. And, yes, he's wearing a firing plunger on his head.
Us watching the fire show.
Ah, the tournament! The jousting was great, the horses were amazing, and the hand-to-hand combat wasn't bad. ;) We rooted for an evil knight, Sir G-something. "Cheat to win!" was our motto!
This was our activity after the Renaissance Festival. (And the day before, and the day before--haha!) I got pretty good at Mario Bros., considering I never play video games!
Hahaha--I love John's face in this pic!! He's totally posing for the camera... I think. ;) He and Preston both look a little tense.