Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Friday, October 1, 2010

Our News

So, it's the end of September and our two adoption profiles are officially closed. I should probably tell you why.

We started our adoption paperwork in Feb. of 2009 and finished it six months later in July of 2009. And then we waited. I had such high hopes of getting picked right away, but after another six months, I was so discouraged.

(Here's a side note: In the LDS Church, all the men in the church 12 years old and older who keep their lives honest and worthy have the Priesthood bestowed upon them (by someone who can trace it all the way back to Joseph Smith who received the Priesthood from John the Baptist and Peter, James and John). In the New Testament, you might remember the apostles "laying their hands" on people and this means that they placed their hands on someone's head to bless them. In the LDS church, we call this simply a "blessing".)

So, in December, John gave me a blessing because I was so discouraged. In the blessing, he told me that God would give me whatever I asked for. Wow. Then I realized that God has promised this to all of His children--but I never really believed it before. Just read Matt. 7:7, John 15:7, James 1:5-6. In the Book of Mormon and other scriptures, you can read 3 Ne. 18:20, 3 Ne. 27:28, D&C 88:63-64.

God has given this promise to all of us, but do we truly believe it? I think it's not that we doubt God, but we doubt ourselves. We doubt that we are worthy enough to ask and/or that the thing we ask for is His will.

Concerning the first thing, we are never unworthy to pray. See 2 Ne. 26: 33. You are God's child and it doesn't matter what you do or what you've done, you can always pray to Him and He will listen. From lds.org's topics and under Prayer, it says, "We should never give in to the idea that we are not worthy to pray. This idea comes from Satan, who wants to convince us that we must not pray. If we do not feel like praying, we should pray until we do feel like praying."

The second thing is actually quite simple. I studied this for a while and this is what I've found. First, in James it says that we should not "ask amiss". In other words, don't just ask for anything--you have to think about it! Then there's a revelation from Joseph Smith to Oliver Cowdery that says that you must "study it out in your mind". In 3 Ne. 18:20, it says that we must ask in the name of Christ for what is right.

Asking for things in the name of Christ--and closing our prayers in His name--is very important. It means that we have tried to submit our will to God's, just as Christ always submitted His will to His Father. (See John 5:19 and the last paragraph here.)

The last thing is to ask for what is God's will, or what is right, but how do we know what that is? The Prophet Joseph Smith answers this in a revelation: "He that asketh in the Spirit asketh according to the will of God; wherefore it is done even as he asketh". We have to have the Holy Spirit guide us and help us to know what to ask. The revelation also gives us a couple other things to do: "And again, I say unto you, all things must be done in the name of Christ, whatsoever you do in the Spirit; And ye must give thanks unto God in the Spirit for whatsoever blessing ye are blessed with. And ye must practice virtue and holiness before me continually" (D&C 46:30-33).

We must be grateful! And then we must keep the commandments. So, our worthiness doesn't matter when it comes to Heavenly Father hearing our prayers, but a lack of worthiness may make it difficult for Him to bless us with the things we ask for. The reason for this is because the Holy Spirit "dwelleth not in unholy temples" (see also here) and thus, you may not know the right thing to ask. But it's okay because "His hand is stretched out still" and you can always repent, which means to "re-turn".

Sorry about all of that, but that's the kind of research I went through after the blessing. I felt such a weight of responsibility to know how to ask God. I also felt such a responsibility to discover what is was that I truly, truly desired.

We ask for things without even realizing it when we say prayers. Like the late Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley said, "The trouble with most of our prayers is that we give them as if we were picking up the telephone and ordering groceries--we place our order and hang up. We need to meditate, contemplate, think of what we are praying about..."

For two or three weeks after the blessing, I didn't ask for anything except for Heavenly Father to bless my food! I realized that prayers that only express gratitude bring the Spirit more powerfully than most "asking" prayers. (Also read this talk for more about this!)

I pondered a lot. And read the scriptures a lot. Seriously, how often have you pondered deeply to know what it is that you truly, deep-down-inside desire? It's a very good exercise and I highly encourage it.

After weeks of this, I discovered that I already had so many things that I desired--a loving, wonderful husband; a home with low rent; a great job; food in the fridge; a knowledge of who I am, where I was before I came to earth, and where I'm going after this earth; on and on.

(To be read slowly:) I realized that what I really desired was to have a baby. And so, I did what the scriptures asked, and I tried to see if that was God's will. I felt like I could actually ask for this! I asked Heavenly Father if He would bless me with a baby.... and I didn't want to wait much longer, so I asked... if He could give it to me either through adoption or to be pregnant by June 2010.

I felt the Holy Spirit tell me that it was right to ask for this and I did not have a sliver of doubt that it wouldn't happen. I felt so happy because I knew that within 6 months (after waiting over 5 1/2 years since my last miscarriage) something was going to happen.

June 1st 2010 came.

No adoption prospects. Definitely not pregnant.

What happened? I was crushed--and I mean crushed. I knew that God would bless me with what I asked. And as I tearfully prayed to Heavenly Father, I felt His love so strong and that He wanted to bless me so badly with what I desired. But I was forgetting one thing.

John. I forgot about my husband; I forgot that I'm not the only one involved in this! And that Heavenly Father honors John's desires as much as He honors mine. Discovering this was not fun. It felt like thinking you're whole life that you're the "favorite child", and then you find out that you're not. I couldn't believe that John's desires were equal to mine in God's eyes--I mean, I didn't want to believe that because I wanted a baby so badly! What if that wasn't what John wanted? That's what I was afraid of. But I knew that if God honored John's desire (and if that was it), I should honor it too.

Anyway, John and I talked. He knew about my prayer, but I don't think he had really personalized it. We decided together that this is what we both wanted.

And I got pregnant in June.

I kind-of joke with Heavenly Father now, saying that he misunderstood my request the first time, and thought that I said "in June" instead of "by June"--haha. But He actually postponed it so that I would learn a very important lesson and I am very grateful.

God answers prayers.

Sometimes our prayers involve other people and this means it involves their agency, and Heavenly Father respects that. Prayers and asking for things in our prayers takes steps, takes faith, and sometimes some soul-searching.

Everyday now if I ask for something, I do it carefully, and I feel like my prayers are always answered! And if they are not, I know that God has a reason. I know that I've prayed to be pregnant before, but I don't believe it was the right time to ask until now. Heavenly Father wanted me to learn and do other things first.

In 1 Cor. 2:9 it says, "As it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." If you look at the version in Isaiah, however, it's a little different: "For since the beginning of the world men have not heard, nor perceived by the ear, neither hath the eye seen, O God, beside thee, what he hath prepared for him that waiteth for him."

"Waiting upon the Lord" isn't always easy, but we all do it, don't we? ;) And sometimes it's the waiting that makes us love life more and appreciate it more fully. And the comforting thing is that if it's really important, we won't have to wait forever.

32 comments:

  1. WAHOO!! I am so super excited for yoU two!! Of all the people- you two will make the most awesome parents! I would trust you whole heartily with the rearing of my children. We will keep you in our prayers as you go thru your pregnancy! We wish you an easy pregnancy! Love to both of you!

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  2. Wow! Wow! Wow! Congratulations! What a lucky child!

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  3. Perfect start to Conference weekend, reading your blog. I wish you and John the best, and pray for you. Thank you Annie for your guidance, and love. Take care!!! Heidi

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  4. Annie, I'm so happy for you I'm about to cry! You are going to be such an incredible mother. I'm grateful for the lesson you taught here as well, about how to speak with God. Keep us update on how it's going!

    Aubrey Brinkerhoff

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  5. Hi Annie! This is Sharleen Roberts from the Alta ward and Union Square . . .
    Anyway, this post brought happy tears to my eyes. You both will be such amazing parents and what a testimony builder this experience has been for both of you and everyone else who hears your story. We are SOOOOOO happy for all THREE of you!!!

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  6. I had a feeling when I opened this post that you were pregnant! That is excellent news and I am beyond ecstatic for you. Thank you so much for allowing us to be a part of your journey. Your words have been inspiring and uplifting. Especially this post about prayer. Thank you for the sweet reminders. I pray that everything will continue to go well for you and John and especially for that beautiful baby growing inside you!

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  7. Best story ever. Are you going to send this story to the Ensign? The world needs to hear it! I love love love it! YOU ANNIE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!! I'm so beyond excited. We love you both!

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  8. I must tell you that the reason why we closed our adoption profiles is because 1) Parent profiles costs money, and we decided to save that money and 2) LDS Services doesn't allow you to adopt while you're pregnant, so we had to close that profile.
    We still want to adopt, so you can still direct people to this blog to get to know us, but you just can't direct them to the adoption profiles sites anymore.
    Thank you for your comments!! I love you all.
    -Annie

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  9. Oh my goodness! Congrats Annie and thank you for this post. Justin just told me the good news and I was ready to jump on here and scream (electronically) but now I'm very humbled and very grateful to know you. Thank you for this post and for teaching and for your example through all these years! Never once did you make me or others feel guilty or undeserving for already having a baby. You truly are amazing! and you are and will be such an incredible mother!! Hoorah for israel! (and for beautiful little girls! or boys) We've been praying for you and we'll keep praying throughout your pregnancy! CONGRATS!

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  10. My first message got erased :( Annie, I want to jump up and down with you like at a little girl slumber party, pick out something fun that the 2 of us could do together, then jump up and down together, laughing and crying with excitement some more!!! You guys are going to be the BEST parents ever! And probably because the Lord has had the opportunity to shape and mold you more than the average couple. :)

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  11. Congrats! I'm so happy for you two. You are going to be terrific parents. And thanks Annie for sharing such a sweet and personal story. You amaze me.

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  12. What a perfect description of how prayer works! Seriously. Anyway, I'm so so so so so so so happy for you guys!!! yaayyyyy! I can't think of a couple more deserving of a child. Thank you for your example of faith and patience through trials. Love you!

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  13. I love, love, love this blog post! I can't wait to read and hear of your future success and endeavors. :)

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  14. My heart is full to bursting as I read this. I am so happy for you (those words seem small compared to the very BIG happiness I feel), and this post answered some prayers of my own.

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  15. Congratulations, Annie! I'm so happy for both of you--you'll make great parents! And thank you so much for sharing your testimony!

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  16. I am so completely happy for you :) COMPLETELY

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  17. You sneaky little fox! You knew you were pregnant when I talked to you on the phone about doing those adoption pictures, didn't you? And you didn't let on a bit! Well, nevermind. I am truly excited for you and John. Maybe you can make up for it by hiring me as baby's first portrait artist;-)

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  18. Congratulations, Annie!! I'm so excited for you two!

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  19. Annie, how wonderful :) I am so happy for you...beyond words. What a beautiful blessing this baby is, and that you and John will be as parents.

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  20. Annie,
    I couldn't be more happy for you!!!! Love, Amanda

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  21. That is so wonderful Annie! Thank you so much for sharing what you learned and for teaching me. This child will be so precious to you. I'm so happy to hear that you will finally be a mom, because I know you'll be fantastic.

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  22. I am beyond happy for you guys!! Thank you so much for that wonderful post on prayer and waiting on the Lord. It made me realize how much we take things for granted in our lives...and how much God gives us on a regular basis. You are going to be great parents!

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  23. Very happy for you guys. You have been in our thoughts and prayers.

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  24. Thanks for sharing this. I'm so happy for you, and it's given me a lot to think about for my own experience!

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  25. Yay yay yay!!! Congrats to you both and I can't wait to hear more updates. :)

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  26. Congratulations!!! That news just brings tears to my eyes. I am so happy for you both and so amazed by your testimony and faith. I am so glad I had the opportunity to be your visiting teacher in Provo, you will always be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  27. Jenn Rose just told me and I am SOOO excited!!!! Tears to eyes and everything. I am so excited for you to experience motherhood. Come back to our ward soon!

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  28. I loved reading this story! Your testimony is so strong. You are a wonderful example to me! I'm so glad I have the opportunity to keep getting to know you!

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  29. Annie- I loved that. Especially- "I forgot about my husband." I thought that was a very humble revelation and it taught me a lot.

    What a great blessing the Lord worked to bring John into the miracle. Otherwise, it wouldn't have been complete.

    When answers to my prayers seem to be delayed I am starting to realize it's often for the blessing of others. For some reason that perspective helps me greatly. Because the blessing of others IS my blessing. :) I am quite sure He is honoring a request I made in heaven when He does that.

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  30. Annie--Thank you for sharing your experience! :) It really touched my heart to witness how you maintained your faith in the face of such bitter disappointment. Whenever a blessing is received that includes the phrase about granting "your heart's desire" I always feel humble about recognizing the purity of intent behind what is sought. I need to reevaluate my own prayers to make sure I am following your example to pray for mutually desired blessings rather than just my own.

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  31. Darling Annie...I can't tell you how happy I am for you; I know it's been a long, patient wait for you. and I'm really excited because we are due so close together; I'm expecting at the end of February!

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